Sunday, May 8, 2011

Some funny jokes

After retiring a man went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opened his shirt revealing his curly, silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Centrelink Office

She said, “You should have dropped your pants… you might have gotten disability, too.”


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re
going to STICK!
Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I’m driving.”


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”


A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather
in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put
him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
‘How do you like it here?’ asks the grandson. ‘It’s wonderful!
Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

‘We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.’

‘Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.

Abuelo says with a big smile. ‘There’s a musician here — he’s 85 years old.
He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!’

‘There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been
on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’!’

‘There’s a dentist here — 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years
and everyone still calls him Doctor?!’

‘And me — I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me
‘The Fucking Mexican’


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well,” the man says, “it’s like this; I was playing a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its
rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle
of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” the doctor asks.

“Well.” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife,
‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that.”

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